Lips as red as blood,hair as black as ebony, skin as white as snow…guess who? iiitt’s Snow White!
Bah! Not that you’d need an IQ of 200 to figure THAT out. A flea with half a brain could have guessed that right , no thanks to Grimm, Disney and the countless other fools with their ridiculous fantasies about my step-daughter.
yes, that’s right. i’m the (so-called) ” step-mother”. A misnomer if ever i heard one and a wicked lie to boot.
alas! the world’s fairytale literatti consigned me EVERY wretched time to the devil and with NO health benefits! There has never been a kind soul to record the misery and humiliation of the step-mother in any story even though she has played the most crucial role.
A fairy tale can be summed up as follows:-
Pretty princess-blessed with divine gifts(although NONE with any brains)-adored by parents,citizens-if the reader is lucky, then enter unwary (and lovable) step-mother-cursed with eternal sleep(wretched sleeping beauty),lost parent(wretched cinderella and my very own snow white),lost hair(wretched Rapunzel) or any other equally tragic(bah!) misfortune-left alone for a while(good riddance!)to their own devices-
note: let them BE, I say! how else is a girl supposed to become independent?
– charming prince rescues pretty princess-unlucky step-mother thrown into prison or if the poor thing’s really unlucky-then blown across the cliff( a really steep one from where there can be no return;not that anyone bothers to save the “step-“mother) and finally,the disgustingly teary-eyed part namely “and they lived happily ever after.” THE END.
The readers are happy, the idiotically happy pair are happy,the dim-witted creatures in the jungle(NOT woods. there’s a world of difference between a Jungle and the Woods.Get it into your thic..er(AHEM!) clever heads that NO patch of gnarled trees and hideous creepers OVERFLOWING with annoyingly cute and useless creatures including deer,RABBITS(why in Heaven’s name!),gophers,birds(all kinds of them ranging from the mildly irritating tenors to the ear-splitting, unbearable squeakers), squirrels, mice to name a few of the worst.The very thought of stepping into a jungle infested with such abominable creatures runs a chill up my spine..*shudder*. Why only yesterday th..i’m rambling. where was i? Oh Yes!
so we were stuck in the part where everyone is wretchedly happy but NOT everyone. We’re forgetting the main character here, ME!-The self-sacrifing, pitiful martyr of a step-mother.Ha! i knew you’d forgotten.*Evil eye at the unfortunate reader*
I speak for all step-mothers here, the story of a step-mother is lightyears away from a fairy-tale.
I proudly present:
“The Step-Mother Complex” or as I like to call it-“A Step-Mother’s Tale of Woe”.
(I actually wanted to name it “The Unspoken Saga of a Step-Mother’s Immense Suffering,Misunderstanding,Pain and Misery” but it wouldn’t fit in a single line.)
In a land,far far away, surrounded by demon-gators, sea-serpents and other delightful creatures, constantly shrouded in darkness was an enchanting kingdom filled with lovely criminals. I, the one and only daughter of the king and queen, was despaired of. Instead of wasting my precious time learning useless activities like sewing, gardening or horse-riding, i filled my days with mastering the esoteric and long-forgotten Dark Arts taught by my beloved teacher, Mademoiselle Cleaver.She was an excellent teacher and I was a fabulous disciple. Within months I could brew delicious brews causing instant misfortunes, tame ravens and vultures, apply the dark-green maquillage perfectly like a true witch but i really shone in disguising myself, especially as an old and terribly ugly tramp carrying a basket filled with all sorts of goodies. My own mother and father couldn’t recognize me after those months of intense training!
Alas! they never could realize their daughter’s true potential as a world-famous witch and got rid of me and the kingdom by marrying me off to a silly,gullible king of a nearby land and escaped to the Bahamas (where they settled).
Fortunately, i was able to smuggle in my witchcraft odds and ends into my new castle where i made my own cubby-hole in the darkest,deepest part of the dungeons where i was sure no one would annoy me.My favourite possesion (which incidentally was given by my mum and dad on my 2nd birthday-the only USEFUL thing they’d ever gifted me)was a magic mirror. It was huge, golden and encrusted with real rubies.Whenever i chanted the famous words(i’m so awesome!)”Mirror Mirror on the wall, Who is the fairest of us all?”, the enchanted mirror would reply those delightful words-“You, my Queen are the Fairest in the land” until one miserable day, the wretched object uttered -“There is one fairer than thou; ’tis Snow White who is the fairest in the land”. In other words I was second-rate! Rubbish! Cast aside for some skinny creature with loose and hyper-active vocal chords and an insane understanding with jungle animals!
I was FURIOUS to say the least. The stupid girl was adored by her equally stupid father and i could do nothing about the crisis that had cropped up.I could start by suing the cosmetic companies i’d spent a fortune in investing.It would give me a little relief. I mean, why shouldn’t i want to look beautiful?And more importantly, why shouldn’t i LOOK beautiful when i was painstakingly taking care of my health and glo’?can you imagine the torture of pilates,power yoga, intense cardio and weight-training every single day and more awfully, all rolled into one WORKOUT? Can you even think of all the expense of hiring a really good trainer? And don’t forget the excruciating, almost physical pain when you see that object of your misery, Snow , eating, no, GOBBLING up slice after slice of pizza and you can’t?And the girl doesn’t even work out! Soo Unfair!
I tried feeding Snow more in the hopes that it would help sprout acne or even blackheads on her face and even experimented with various nuts and berries fervently believing that she’d be allergic to atleast ONE of them but NOO, she was apparently immune to every which-thing i threw at her and to my disgust, became fairer.
Soon, the charity clubs, mother’s unions, schools, stores invited Snow to inaugurate or be the Guest of Honour, I was replaced by Snow as president of all the commitees and was slowly being referred to as Snow White’s Step-Mother! Oh the Horror and the Shame! I couldn’t even speak about my misery to anyone. And Snow worsened the situation by being disgustingly nice and thus, portraying ME as the BAD and callous queen. I couldn’t even concentrate on my thesis on “Black potions to induce permanent sleep” and my beauty-sleep and consequently my workouts suffered. One day, i stepped on the weighing machine and was stunned to silence.That Was IT. I decided that there could be only ONE “fairest” maiden in the land and the other would just have to go.In a moment of great insight, i realized that it would have to be Snow who’d have to leave. The jungle bordering the outskirts of the kingdom would do very well. Funnily, she actually liked the jungle and positively sang about its supposed delights.so, I didn’t waste time feeling too sorry for her.
Obviously, i couldn’t just send her away while her father was alive and kicking and so, i waited. (Without meaning any indelicacy) After her annoying father finally left the world (R.I.P.),i put my master-plan into action and sent Snow off to pick some berries from the jungle and it was a good time too because the idiotic mirror had started raving about Snow’s snowiness and that was getting to my nerves.
Since Snow was traipsing alone into the jungle (and it was hitting twilight too), i decided to send a strong huntsman( handy with his axe) to look after dear Snow.Now, THIS is where that stupid writer Grimm got it ALL wrong.Misinterpreting my desire to have Snow followed and kept an eye on , to say frankly, that pathetic excuse of a writer immediately assumed that the huntsman was sent to kill Snow and melodramatically bring back Snow’s heart! Pray, What the heck would i do with someone’s heart?
note:Now that i think about it, i could have invented a horribly tasty brew to bring about some ghastly mishap but i was younger then and didn’t know that much.
In That Decisive, Life-Changing Moment, I became the most despised character in the whole of fairy-taledom and it wasn’t even my fault! The injustice of it fairly made me whoo..er..weep.
Now, forget all the rubbish that was fed to you by that lunatic Grimm and I’ll tell you what REALLY happened.
Remember that i had told Snow to fetch some juicy berries from the jungle ?Well, that little fool went and got herself lost and completely vanished from the radar of the faithful huntsman. The poor man was inconsolable that he’d lost Snow but i had faith in my little step-daughter and knew she’d be just fine. After all, what could possibly happen in a dark, creepy jungle filled with all sorts of nasty creatures? Any who, it wasn’t my problem any more.The Mirror too had put all my fears to rest by saying that I was the fairest in the land.
A couple of days flew by and everything was just peachy in my world when i asked my mirror my (now) favourite words. To my shock and anger, the incompetent mirror replied that Snow White was the fairest in the land! Ohhhh the wretched, wretched girl was ruining my life even though i’d given her exactly what she’d wanted- a simple life with basic necessities in the jungle. Done. Now what was she upto? I decided to find out.
The next day, i disguised myself as my favourite crony-the old, ugly, warty granny carrying a basket laden with yummy goodies.(Goody! ) I wanted to see the kind of life she was living and to also ask her what miraculous diet she was following in the jungle. It isn’t a crime to visit your step-daughter, is it? I just wanted to surprise dear Snow and see if she could recognize me. Here again those miserable story-writers got the whole idea wrong.They believed that i deliberately set off into the jungle to offer Snow White a poisoned apple and kill her.
well, They are mistaken and i’ve been accused falsely here again.
I have informed you well beforehand that i loved disguising myself as a granny-tramp with a basket laden with yada yada yada… didn’t i?
So, i set off into the eerie jungle of nasty beasties(see what a concerned and considerate step-mamma i am? Which real mum would do this?) in my fantastic get-up. After a long and strenuous walk,(i’m not complaining; it was a good workout; my quota of exercise for that day was FINITO!) i came across nasty sunny patch ,madly blooming with smelly roses and tiny cottage and who should i find inside but (my reason for the sweaty stroll-)Snow! I was relieved(*Pant*i couldn’t walk any more) . But instead of rushing in and screaming “Surprise!” according to my original plan, i decided to wait and watch. There were seven little tables and other sept-stuff like beds and plates and i realized that Snow had company-seven dwarves!
Anyway, i didn’t think the little men would be happy if a warty, old granny-tramp suddenly burst into their house yelling “Surprise!” and besides one of them was wielding a particulary sharp pick-axe. So i wasn’t going to take any chances and waited hidden behind a prickly bush (which i soon discovered to my agony that it was poison ivy) and was covered in great, red rashes by the time i emerged from my hiding place. My disguise was beautifully accentuated by the red rashes. I was now the wartiest, dirtiest looking old granny-tramp in the history of granny-tramps-That’s the only positive thing i could get out of my itchy nightmare.*Scratch*
Now, my dear Snow was all alone and seizing my chance, i hobbled towards(ever the perfectionist helped by the ivy)the cottage and knocked on the door. Little Snow,looking irritatingly lovelier than ever, opened the door with a shrill “Who is it?”.
Yup, she hadn’t changed a bit.
Suddenly, i decided to skip the “Surprise!” part and go on playing my old-tramp role for a little while longer. I mean, can you blame me? I was soo into the role and i was lovin’ it! I begged for a glass of water and little Snow, taking pity on an old granny and a complete stranger(she’s like that-totally gullible)quenched my thirst.
I still couldn’t believe that Snow hadn’t seen through my disguise! It spurred me to continue acting.
Still in my Oscar-worthy role as the granny-tramp, i requested her in a very convincing old-lady-like croak to take anything from my basket. I didn’t honestly believe that she would take anything .
On a very generous impulse, i offered her the biggest, reddest, crunchiest apple because i knew Snow absolutely adored apples. Now, how was I meant to know that that particular apple was especially glossy because it was the guinea-apple proving my thesis on (discovering the potion for) permanent sleep?
Note: So, remember kids, DON’T buy super-glossy apples or you’ll end up like poor Snow.
Once again, Grimm’s gone haywire here and has yet again accused me of intenionally poisoning the apple and feeding it to Snow but you know now that it was all a huge mistake.
Surely, like the good step-mother i had been, i’d warned Snow a zillion times NOT to accept anything from strangers and yet my dear step-daughter went and did just that. Can you blame me for testing what i’d taught her? I THINK NOT.
In a few seconds, Snow dropped into a dead faint and couldn’t be awoken. Sad. I was astonished and worried that she wouldn’t wake up and went looking for help.
(Grimm saw this as fleeing the scene of the crime. Ridiculous!)
I saw the seven ugly, little dwarves tramping across the jungle; tripped and involuntarily yelped. Those horrible little men came running at me, brandishing their pickaxes and yelling something about Snow White. They didn’t stop and let me explain and so, i had to take to my heels too. One of the pickaxes jabbed into my derriere and i screeched in pain and ran faster, jumping and yelping over hideously prickly shrubs and rocks. Nothing,not even my cardio, had prepared me for this super-fast, non-stop marathon and i was wheezing and panting in a little while. The disguise didn’t help either. I kept tripping over my wretched cloak and had abandoned my basket long ago. Soon, the awful dwarves almost caught up to me and in a desperate, stress-fogged second, i stumbled over a clump of ugly primroses and keeled over the cliff. I was hurtling through the air and obviously, screaming, when i hit a dense, soft landing of, urggh…poison ivy!
I wasn’t an eye-witness to what happened above in the horrible jungle but i heard that Snow got woken up by some passing prince. Whatever.
Snow claimed that i’d tried to poison her,(ME! her beloved Step-mother!) and that foolish Grimm believed her.
So, in the end, My ungrateful step-daughter threw me into prison with only Steve (the cell rat) for company. She’s also installed the stupid Mirror in the cell to cruelly remind me that she’s the fairest in the land. My dungeon-laboratory’s been destroyed. Worst of all, i don’t have the potion to change myself back and now, i’m STUCK as an old granny-tramp forever!
As i sit here in the nastiest, sunniest cell in the prison with awful roses and (eWW!) sunflowers growing gleefully in the cracks on the wall, i feel a deep sadness that NO ONE, cares enough about me to write MY story and later, other misunderstood step-mothers.
A fairy-tale does NOT end with every character having their own “happily ever after”. That’s just sweet garbage to induce gullible- little- gherkins of kids to sleep. I’m not bragging but if they would try my Everlasting Sleep Potion-it comes with a lifetime guarantee to keep working…not that you’d need it after the first sip.
So while Snow White’s story is a musical stuffed with ghastly songs, beastly creatures, sunshine and a charming prince,
a step-mother’s tale is a Greek tragedy- a saga of misunderstanding, prejudice, public hatred, misery and great unhappiness.
Where’s her happily ever after?
Thus ends the story of The Step-Mother and her Heartless Step-Daughter, Snow White.